


if you loved me (why'd you leave me)

by cyclothimic



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 09:15:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3114437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyclothimic/pseuds/cyclothimic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And when he was inside her, he pounded into her. And she let him. Because she needed him to. Because she didn't know how else to be angry at Jemma. She didn't know how else to not miss her at any given time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if you loved me (why'd you leave me)

Skye knocked back another shot, slamming the glass down and pouring herself another one. She glowered at the clear liquid in the glass as the ripples ripped through the surface. She initially thought ingesting strong liquor would somehow numb the sourness she'd felt for every single day since Jemma left. It didn't.

* * *

" _You_ _ **can't**_ _leave," was the first thing Skye said after she barged into Jemma's room and saw her packing her things._

_Jemma didn't even bother to look at her. She just kept folding her damn sweaters and her damn button-downs and her damn everything and packing them away in her damn suitcase._

" _ **Jemma**_ _," Skye stressed, her voice wobbly._

_Jemma sighed. "Skye," she said, sounding tired and completely given up._

" _Did you even plan on telling me? Or Fitz? Were you gonna let Coulson or May or even Trip to tell us?" Skye asked._

_The other woman zipped up her suitcase, only then did she turn around to look at Skye. Skye almost felt guilty when she saw the tear tracks on her cheeks and her reddened eyes. "This is why I didn't want to tell you, Skye."_

" _What, I can't react like a friend who felt sad and unwilling and betrayed? I can't feel like a person who's going to lose one of her closest friends?"_ _ **I can't feel like losing out on a chance where I can maybe get to be with you?**_ _But of course, Skye didn't say that._

" _This isn't betrayal, Skye!"_

" _It kind of feel like it is because you're_ _ **leaving**_ _when you know as well as anyone else on this base that this is when we should stick together more than any other time in the world!" Skye argued._

" _Fitz can't get better if I stick by him!" Jemma retaliated._

" _Fitz_ _ **needs**_ _you!"_

" _No, Fitz is dependent on me! And for him to heal, he needs to do this by himself. And as long as I am by his side, he wouldn't get to be better by himself. Because I am his best friend and he thinks I feel the same way he does and all I want is for him to get better by himself and have a chance to move the hell on!" Jemma finally shouted._

_Skye was at a loss for words for a few moments. Then she clenched her jaw and exhaled harshly. "What about me?" Her voice broke._

_Jemma looked taken aback. Then she looked guilty and heartbroken herself. "You can handle yourself, Skye," she whispered, as if she'd lost all her energy to speak properly when she shouted just now._

" _Is that what you think? That I want you to stay because I think I can't handle myself?"_

" _Skye –"_

" _Have a safe runaway, Jemma."_

_And with that, Skye spun around and walked out._

_The next morning, when she woke up and couldn't see a pot of coffee sitting on the counter in the kitchen waiting for her, she knew Jemma was gone._

* * *

Trip slid onto the stool on her left, took the bottle away from her and poured the content into his own glass. Then he knocked it against her glass. She smirked slightly and knocked it back with him. He took her glass and poured her another shot.

"Drinking your sorrows away?" he asked, sliding her glass back to her.

Her smirk faded away. She turned in her seat to look back at the lab behind them. It hurt to see Fitz sitting there at his desk, mumbling to himself, though maybe to him, he was talking to Jemma. She hated herself for wishing that she had her own Jemma to talk to.

Trip seemed to have taken her silence as an answer. "In my experience, alcohol doesn't work."

"Yeah, I got that now," Skye answered, but that didn't stop her from swallowing the strong liquid in one go. She'd found that she enjoyed feeling the slow burn of it in the back of her throat.

And then they shut up. They watched Fitz doing his thing in the lab, talking to 'Jemma' – even thinking of the name hurt. They kept drinking. They began feeling tipsy and eventually drunk. They looked at each other.

And she thought,  _Why not?_

Because she was lonely and she missed  _her_. And he was lonely. They could use the company.

* * *

Partners-with-benefit. They didn't have feelings for each other that surpassed friends. Trip knew that she wasn't capable of developing feelings for him. And as despicable as John Garrett was, he'd managed to teach Trip the useful skill to not get attached.

When one of them felt lonely, they would find each other.

When one of them felt pissed, they would find each other.

When one of them felt stressed, they would find each other.

They did it whenever they felt like it. They did it in her room; in his room; in the lab when everyone was asleep late at night; in her bunk on the Bus; on the quinjet when they got the quinjet – it was on autopilot.

* * *

" _She abandoned all of us."_

That was by far the roughest they'd ever had. They slammed into walls. She bit him, scratched him, grunted and pushed him. He pushed her into the door of his room, then into the wall of his room, into the edge of his desk. And when he was inside her, he  _pounded_ into her. And she let him.

Because she needed him to.

Because she didn't know how else to be angry at Jemma.

She didn't know how else to not miss her at any given time.

* * *

Two weeks later, Skye came out of the closet, adjusting her clothes and combing her hair. Trip followed her seconds later. Lance smirked when he saw them coming into Coulson's office. Skye ignored him and took her usual place while Trip leaned against the wall, his arms crossed.

"We found a Hydra base," Coulson announced when everyone was there – except for Fitz.

Skye straightened up at that. "Where?" May asked before she could.

Coulson pulled up images and documents on the screen. He explained the operatives, gave them a view of the blueprint of the base, and assigned each of them their assignments.

For some reason, Coulson had avoided looking at her the whole time, just like he did that day he told her about her true nature. Skye kept quiet for the whole hour as they planned their surprise ambush. When everyone was dismissed, she stayed.

"What are you hiding, Coulson?" she directed at him.

Coulson sat down on his chair and shook his head, still avoiding looking at her. "Nothing."

"You're acting like you did back when you were hiding my 084 identity from me," Skye observed.

Coulson looked surprised and he finally looked at her. And Skye could see the guilt and distress in his eyes. "Don't ask, Skye," he pleaded.

"Phil," she said gently, resorting to using his first name. The look in his eyes had scared her. "What's going on?"

"Skye, don't ask," he repeated, his voice firm. "Get your gear ready and do as I told you."

Skye stared at him for a long minute before she nodded in affirmation and stalked out.

* * *

When she was sure that the Hydra base was ambushed and conquered, she left Trip, May and Lance to take care of them. She pulled up her hoodie, gave Trip the case where she'd kept the sniper and followed Coulson discretely.

As soon as Coulson walked through the entrance of an apartment building, she made her way to the back of the building. She silently thanked May for training her on her stealth because it was barely an effort when she was climbing up the pipes, looking in window after window until she saw Coulson's shadow in one of the apartments.

She climbed over the railing of the fire escape, making as little noise as possible. Thankfully, the window was open. But she didn't climb in. She just listened to whatever she could hear.

After god-knows-how-long, as Skye began to get impatient, she heard familiar click of a door opening. She sat straight and frowned, straining to listen to whatever was going on inside.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" Coulson said. Skye frowned. What did he find out? She wanted to scream for him to just get on with it after a few more minutes of silence. "Why?" he then asked. Who was he talking to?

"Sir," another voice said. A familiar voice. A voice she could never ever forget no matter how much she tried.  _Jemma_. A pang hit her chest as soon as she heard her voice.

"Why?" he asked again, calmly.

Skye frowned.  _Why what? What did she do?_

"Why are you  _Hydra?_ "

Skye could barely keep the gasp from escaping her throat. She covered her mouth with her palm, sinking her teeth into it to keep from making any noise. Her eyes burn. Her heartbeat increased dramatically.

Hydra? Jemma was Hydra? No.  _No_. Impossible. Jemma Simmons couldn't possibly be Hydra.  _ **No**_.

"Are you gonna kill me now? Are you gonna plant a bullet right between my eyes? Are you gonna shoot my brain to pieces?" Coulson accused.

" _Sir_."

"Did you have any idea how utterly shocked I was when I found out you're one of them? Did you have any idea how much it broke my heart to know to know that  _you_ , of all people, is Hydra?"

"Please let me ex-"

"I didn't even know what I should tell the team. Why don't you tell me? How should I tell them? How should I tell  _Skye_?" Skye didn't even realize she was crying until he said her name. She fought to not make her presence known. She was shaking physically because she couldn't make a sound. "How do I tell her that the woman she's in love with, the woman she still can't move on from, is Hydra?"

Oh God, he knew. She thought she'd been subtle about it. But he still  _knew_. Each and every one of his word hit her like a truck, driving her into an invisible wall, punching her in the gut. Oh God.

She put away her palm and started gasping, loud and clear. Her palm was bleeding because she'd been biting it with so much force. Her vision was blurry. She felt as if she couldn't breathe. She swallowed a mouthful of saliva and leaped up to her feet, her back to them as they stood in the apartment while she stood at fire escape. For now, she was glad that she had a wall as a barrier.

"Skye?" Jemma called.

Skye clenched her jaw. She shook her head and let out a painful whine. Then she climbed over the railing, swiftly climbing down the pipes and then running away.

* * *

As soon as she'd reached the Playground, she went to look for Trip. She found him in the storage closet, taking inventory. He was alone. She wiped away her tears aggressively. She punched the button to close the door. He looked up and saw her, looking surprised.

"Skye?"

She stalked towards him and pulled him down to kiss him. He let out a grunt of surprise. But she didn't relent; she just kept kissing him, unbuttoning his jacket and stripping him of it. Eventually, he got the hint and slammed her against one of the shelves.

* * *

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Just shut up and fuck me."

* * *

She didn't tell anyone about her discovery. She avoided Coulson at any given time. When he knocked on her door, she pretended to be asleep. When they were done briefing another mission, she was the first to leave the room.

May was surprised and pleased when she witnessed Skye's improvement in her combat skills. But it didn't take her long to realize something was wrong. Only then did May no longer smile and clap Skye on the back for doing a good job. She just gave Skye a worried look and a curt nod.

Trip, god bless that man, didn't question her. He just nodded and fucked her when she asked for it. And she returned the favor when he asked for it. He drank with her at the bar. Sometimes, Lance would join them at the bar and they'd get drunk together. But when he suggested a threesome, Skye straight out said no.

Fitz wasn't getting any better. When Skye wasn't in the mood for sex or pretending to be asleep, she'd sneak into the lab and help Fitz with whatever he was doing. She would feel temporary relief when he gave her a tiny smile and became himself for a slight period.

This went on for two months. Sex with Trip. Drinks with him and Lance. Training sessions with May. Avoiding Coulson. It became sort of like a routine.

But she still couldn't get her mind away from the fact that Jemma was Hydra.

Who could blame her for finding it hard to believe even after two months? The Jemma she knew as a good girl and a brilliant biochemist and one who did not get herself involve in what she called as 'bad girl shenanigans'. So now, to think of her hailing Hydra like one of those lunatics, Skye nearly drove herself into a wall.

It was her turn to do inventory, so she was doing it in the storage closet when Trip came in, looking delighted. Skye frowned at his unusual display of excitement.

"Hey, Skye!" he bellowed. "Come out! There's a surprise for you!"

Her frown only deepened. There was little to surprise her nowadays. "Nothing surprises me anymore," she said bluntly.

"Oh I'm sure this will." He looked so sure of himself. "Now, come on!" Skye let out a rare smile and allowed herself to be pulled along by him. They reached the garage and saw the team huddled at the ramp of the Bus.

They seemed to have sensed her presence because they all parted to let her see what got them all worked up. Even Fitz – he had a grin that was enough to defeat the Sun on his face. Every one of them was smiling. Lance was smiling, impressed. Mack was smiling, glad. May was smiling, pleased. Only Coulson had a wary look on his face. And  _Jemma_ , who stared at her with longing in his eyes.

Skye's mind was at a blank for a moment before she said coldly, "What the hell are you doing here?"

Her teammates, sensing something was wrong, stopped smiling like fools while Coulson sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Skye," he said.

Skye clenched her jaw and refused to look at him. She just glared at Jemma. "Do they know what you've been doing this whole time? What you  _are_?"

"Skye," Jemma pleaded, on the brink of tears.

Skye released a shuddering breath and shook her head. "Unbelievable," she muttered. Then she spun around on her heels and walked away, leaving her team aghast behind her.

* * *

" _She's Hydra!"_ Skye's voice was shrill as she screamed at Coulson.

He'd summoned them all into his office and she couldn't ignore the director's order.

"No, she's not Hydra," Coulson replied calmly.

"Why would she be Hydra?" Trip.

"Jemma's not Hydra, Skye." Fitz.

"Just let Coulson explain." May.

"I heard you in her apartment. You were interrogating her. You were asking if she would kill you. You were telling her all sorts of things, things about me that I didn't even know you know about!"

Coulson stood up and looked at Skye. "Skye, listen to me." Skye could barely calm herself down but she forced herself to. May pushed her to sit down on the chair in front of him, next to Jemma. Skye ignored Jemma next to her. "Simmons isn't Hydra. She genuinely left because she thought it would be best for Fitz."

"Then I thought I could use this opportunity to slip into Hydra and pretend to be one of them," Jemma interjected. Skye closed her eyes when she heard her voice. "I wanted to be helpful even though I wasn't with you."  _With you_ , Skye mentally kicked herself for even pondering on that. "I was pretending to be one of them. I was collecting intel. Who did you think sent you all those 'accidental' leak of information all this time?"

"I found out something wasn't right. Hydra isn't as careless as this. So I traced all the intel and the leaks and I found out it was Simmons," Coulson continued.

"I told him everything. I told him to let me continue being undercover for SHIELD. It was all I can do." There was a pause. Skye refused to open her eyes. Jemma sighed. "They found me out eventually. And I barely made it out."

As much as Skye refused to believe her story, she did. Because when it came to Jemma, she could never help herself.

She slowly opened her eyes and lifted her head to look up into Coulson's question eyes, Jemma's presence burning into her side. She stood up and nodded shortly.

"Understood," she said weakly. Then she practically ran out of the room, barely keeping herself together.

* * *

Jemma found her on the roof. Skye saw from the corner of her eyes as Jemma gingerly sat down next to her. She was wincing and slow, a little too slow. Skye turned to look at Jemma before she could stop herself.

Her eyes widened when she saw the bandage on Jemma's leg and her arm in a cast. Her eyes roved up to see lacerations on Jemma's forehead and a swollen cheek.

"What did they do to you?" she whispered, horrified and pissed off.

Jemma managed a smile. "I told you I barely made it out." Skye licked her lips and she inhaled and exhaled. "I'm sorry, Skye."

Skye's gaze flicked to Jemma's eyes, which were filled with sincere apology. She gulped. "Four months," she croaked. "You left for four months, Jemma."

"I honestly thought it was for the best."

"You left  _me_ for four months." Jemma's face was taken over by pain and regret. "I didn't know what I was supposed to do this whole time. I knew my missions. I knew how to be a field agent. But I had  _no idea_  how to be a person this whole time."

Jemma looked away from Skye and to her feet. "I'm sorry," she whispered again.

" _I couldn't handle myself_ ," Skye taunted.

"I didn't know, Skye," Jemma said thickly.

"Well, now you do," Skye snapped.

There were only the wind and the sun and them for the next fifteen minutes. "I love you too."

Skye looked back at Jemma, who was still staring at her feet. "Come again?"

Jemma sighed and turned her gaze towards Skye. "I love you too," she enunciated slowly. "Despite your clumsiness and your horrible attitude and your bad girl shenanigans and your annoying disobedience, I love you."

Skye blinked a few times. And then she took back and frowned. "Horrible attitude?"

Jemma rolled her eyes and chuckled dryly. "Out of all that, you decide to focus on  _that_."

"Well, because I do not have a horrible attitude," Skye scoffed, smiling –  _at last_. "I am so nice!"

"Sure."

"Jemma!" Skye insisted.

"What?" Jemma replied with a laugh.

Skye then smiled wider and she moved closer to Jemma. Then she carefully, gingerly, took Jemma's lips with her own. Jemma gasped. Skye's heart leaped with joy when the British woman kissed her back.

When they drew apart, they were grinning like fools in love.

"I guess we can use our safe word for what it's intended for now," Skye quipped.

Jemma groaned and decided to shut her up by kissing her again.


End file.
